What I wanted to admit was I really want to be a vampire. And not just because they look cool, but because I have so much anger in me that I just want to hurt people. And make them pay for the way they've treated me.
Okay- so this is a delicate subject that took me some time to address. I want you to feel safe, I want others to feel safe and I want to write something clearly and coherently:
1. I’m not a therapist. I’ll put that out there right now and I want that to be as clear as possible. And when I say this I’m not trying to be dismissive or make you feel unsafe, nor when I say this next thing; I think you should see a therapist.
2. I, as a mod here and as a human being, have been traumatized. I actually said basically the same exact thing when I was nine years old. I convinced a ton of kids in my grade that I was a vampire so that they would stop abusing me and I prayed to the gods every night that I could become a monster and hurt everyone who had hurt me or who was hurting me.
I actually learned years later that this is a normal response to trauma. It is not the only response, but it is a common one. But hurting people will not sustain you, not really. Especially in a society where hurting people is not condoned. No matter how much these people hurt you, you will be saddled with more guilt, more shame, more anger and probably a sentence in jail and time spent in the court system that could destroy you. Think of consequences before you take any steps, but what you choose to do is up to you.
3. This is a safe space. I’m glad you brought this to me, and I hope you find some peace. But please please please, take whatever steps possible to care for yourself, to go to therapy, to better yourself. You can keep that rage and hatred without acting on it, and I believe any person can hold themselves back. Seek out support, and if you want to ask again, I can offer you a couple of resources.
I know this probably wasn’t the answer you were seeking, but I dearly hope this helped (at least a little.)